Dear friends and followers,
Bleh this is me. You can’t really tell here but I have gained ten pounds since I have moved to Colorado. Just got off work not that long ago, no make up actually and crooked septum…look shitty smell shitty and hey let’s be honest, I have a crappy job with a crappy wage. However, I love this job. Better than when I worked at Red Lobster. I have been thanking God for the opportunities they have given me at The Lube, because where I used to work, they played favoritism and did not believe in me. I rather people turn and stare at a girl my size carry a huge tray then not give me a chance to try and learn my own strength. It’s definitely helped my non-existent optimism. That, I can thank for. My job.
After today being my first day on the floor serving, after being a food runner for two months, I have now experienced genuine gestures from other servers and I know there are still friendships that are blossoming. About two weeks ago i decided to move back to California, but now there’s a knot in my throat knowing I would lose the small but only amount of hope I have since I have moved here, at my work.
My grades have dropped but I have been working on that and on myself. I’m up and down with my weight. I’m trying to be more conscious of eating instead of snacking and then a meal at night after work. I’m trying, and maybe that is a white lie, but I’m certainly better than I was a little over a month ago.
Let’s go back to how I have been thanking God. How could I have been completely unfaithful when I moved here, and then seek Gods’ attention, then want to kill myself, and now I am thanking Him? How can I thank Him when my crappy situations just stayed the same or went from a D to a chance to turn in late work? Maybe I am crazy, but I feel a few inches taller now and there’s some growth within me as well. All of this shitty shit has miraculously helped me as a person by me seeking faith and realizing what’s important and what’s not.I went from being hopeless to having an open mind to the fact that maybe somebody out there is watching over me. I went from putting myself above others and carelessly wanting to kill myself and not showing up to class to realizing that this is not my life. I don’t give up too easily. How did I go from caring about my health and running frequently to not giving a shit and wanting to take my life away?
I thought I had finally figured out what I needed to do. I thought I gained my sanity back. But on my drive back home, I couldn’t help but think that I’m still giving up.
Should I move back to California? Did I fuck up moving here, or do I want to move back because I fucked up HERE. Did I move here to run away from my problems at home, and if I didn’t, am I wanting to move back to do that exact thing?
Shitty situations is all I have had here. At least for the most part. But things in California are shitty as well, I just have familiarity and comfort there- two things that I lack here in Colorado.
I need help.